~SUHANI~
We stood facing each other, my eyes casted downward, staring intently at my feet and the floor beneath it.
I clasped my hands tightly to stop the shivering in my hands. My heartbeat is running at a mile per minute making my mind hazy. I can't think of anything right now, my mind is unable to form any thoughts, any sane thought that can help me to escape this situation.
Suddenly, I felt him raising his hands, my instincts took over me and I stepped back immediately.
After stepping back, I looked upward at him and saw him setting his hair with the same hand.
I sighed in relief that he wasn't upto something.
Just then a voice came
"Aap ne kha tak padhayi ki h?"
(How far have you studied?)
I answered his question honestly
"Ji, hum barahvi tak padhe hain."
(Ji, I have studied till 12th standard.)
He nodded at my answer. I couldn't make out his expressions properly from behind this veil. But the thing I knew was that he was trying so hard to initiate a conversation with me.
"Will you mind, if I ask you something?"
He asked in a slightly unsure tone.
"No.", I replied keeping my distance even in the conversation.
"Um- Is this arrangement- I mean is this setup for the marriage against your will?"
My movements halted at his words because what am I supposed to answer to this? If I answer this honestly and my parents get to know about it, then the consequences will not be good, for sure.
And if I say yes to this then the things will proceed further with the assumption that I am into this willingly.
With the unsure thoughts still lingering in my mind, I answered with hesitation
"No, everything that is going on is happening with my consent."
The slight hesitation evaporated from his expressions. Though, his expressions were neutral but still I could see the slight hesitation and tension lingering in them.
"That's good to hear. Um- Are you willing to marry me?"
Marry?
The only word and the thing I've been running from since the time I understood the meaning of it and the hardships behind it endured by women.
I've found many synonyms from the perspective of women for this word as I grew up like endurance, sacrifice, a way to lose your identity, a way to lose yourself and many more.
And I'm here standing in front of this man to become one of those women whom I once dreamt to take out of their misery. I am on the way to become yet another example of 'Why shouldn't you get married?'
Still I answered the question I was asked
"My parents would be the one to take decision for that matter."
The only truth that I said in these couple of hours.
"Still, do you want to get married?"
I nodded meekly at his question.
"Okay, any expectations about marriage or from your will-be husband?''
Oh god! What kind of man he is? Who asks a girl about her expectations, when each and every is killed by her very own people.
"No, I don't have as such expectations, neither from the marriage nor from my future partner."
Please, call us downstairs. I can't lie more than this and stand this awkward conversation anymore.
Just as on cue our names were called from downstairs, making me heave a sigh of relief.
"Let's go, Everyone is calling us downstairs."
I said, still slightly nervous to talk to him.
Just as we reached downsrairs everyone turned towards us, watching us intently.
I sat beside my mother and he at his previous place.
Then, my father said
"Ab aap bataiye ki apka kya faisla h?"
(Now, tell us what is your decision?)
Making me nervous as hell.
"Ji, hum aapko soch kar telephone par btate hai."
(Ji, We'll tell you over telephone after thinking.)
Then my father folded his hands and said
"As you wish."
We all stand up and I was escorted to the room while everyone else went there to bid them bye.
My mother then followed me and asked
"Did you find the boy good?"
Making me irritated even more. I was already irritated from this arrangement and now this stupid question.
"Maa, hum tumhe pehle bhi bol chuke hain, hume abhi shadi nhi karni hai."
(Maa, I have told you before already that I don't want to get married now.)
I said with vulnerability, anger, frustration, irritation in my voice, all at once.
"Aawaz dheemi karke baat karo ab tumhari shadi ho jayegi to ye sab shobha nahi deta hai."
(Speak in low tone, now you are going to get married, this all doesn't suit you.)
Right, I am going to get married so I must lose myself now.
"Haa, to humne kab kha ki humari shadi karwaiye mat karwaiye naa,"
my voice cracking further I said,"hume padhna hai maa, hume wakeel banana hai."
(I didn't ask you to get me married, don't get me married)
(I want to study maa, I want to become lawyer.)
Her expressions hardened at my words.
"You-
Her words were cut off by a hard and booming voice
"SUHANI"
It was my father. I flinched hard at his tone, still he didn't seem to stop.
"I don't want this drama. I have tried to make you understand without shouting but you don't seem to understand."
He lunged forward at me, making me step back, while shouting but my mother came inbetween us.
"Let it be, I'll make her understand. She'll get ready for this proposal. Don't worry."
My father stopped but his gaze didn't waver. He was still staring at me like he will kill me if my mother wasn't standing inbetween us.
"Hum tumhe kh rahe hai Suhani. Maan jao warna hume manwana aata hai. Hume majboor mat karo tum par hath uthane ke liye."
(I am telling you Suhani. Understand it by yourself otherwise I know how to make you understand. Don't force me to raise my hand at you.)
His words sent a shiver down my spine, making me take my step backwards even more.
"Please, go. I'll make her understand. I'll talk to her."
My mother intervened, trying hard to save me from my father's wrath.
He turned around and stepped forward to step out of the room. But after few steps, he stopped and turned back.
"And one more thing, don't tell about all this to Saransh." He said.
I nodded multiple times, trying so hard to get over it.
After seeing me nod, he stepped out of the room.
I was still shivering. I have always been like that, always fragile and vulnerable when someone even slightly raise their voices at me. I become numb, start shivering, tear up like they have ripped me off of everything.
Just as I was lost in my thoughts with tears in my eyes, body shivering, a hand came up to my cheeks and cupped them.
"Suhani, please cooperate with this. You know your father's temper. Just go further with this. The boy is well settled, educated and well-mannered. You will not have any problem there. Please don't make your father angry even more."
She said with assuring tone.
But did it assure me?
No.
Instead, it made me more anxious. The words made me more restless. I am afraid of the sacrifice I was supposed to make for this marriage. The sacrifice they are imposing on me, forcing me to make one.
My mother still stood there, constantly saying things in a calm tone, trying her best to make me agree with this.
But still a question roamed around my head and I couldn't help but ask.
"Maa, What if he beats me? Doesn't respect me, treat me like a baggage that he has to carry all through his life?"
I asked in an uneven tone.
Her eyes softened and cupped my face while wiping my tears.
"Beta, We are women and we are made to sacrifice. We can't make anyone angry. If he happens to raise his hands at you, just accept it silently. Don't question him. Just accept whatever he will give to you willingly without saying anything. After all, he will be your husband."
Her words made me tear up even more.
"Just like you did? Endured every pain baba gave you, accepted every insult thrown at you infront of people by baba."
It was more of a statement than a question.
"Yes, just like I did. Because he is not someone. He is my husband and a wife has to accept everything that her husband gives her even if its insult,beatings. No matter, whatever it is."
I fell silent. She won't understand no matter how hard I try. She just wouldn't, not because she don't want to but she thinks that these all things are right, because she thinks that it is her duty to accept whatever her husband gives and her husband's right to do whatever he wants with her.
She's been conditioned like this, shaped like this by the society. She has grew up thinking that the beating wasn't domestic violence but a way through which we can show our devotion towards our husband, a way to show your love to your husband.
I met her eyes and said.
"I'll think through this."
"Okay, just don't take much time."
She said and left after locking the door behind her.
A hollow laugh escaped my throat.
They weren't waiting for my opinion but for me to say yes. They have given me time not to think through it and to tell my answer accordingly but to think it for a while and say yes.
They just want to hear yes from me.
Just thinking of my life a few days ago, shatter my heart.
I was happy and planning to go further with my college admissions for my bachelors.
After getting eighty- nine percent in 12th board in humanities and getting first position in the district, I was thinking of ways to get scholarship for my further studies. Because I knew even then that baba wouldn't want me to study further as always. He let me study till now because it was free,
I managed to get scholarships all through my life because my father was never interested to spend on my education. But my brother has supported me through it, fought against baba for my education. He did everything for me he could, but I never wanted to burden him with my expenses.
So, I always tried my best to get scholarships in order to continue with my studies.
Everything was going well until yesterday, until this proposal came, less of a proposal more of a way to strip me off of everything.
Baba just told me that a family was coming to see me so I should get ready.
Not even asked me once.
What can I do now? They are waiting outside for me to say yes. I cannot even ask bhaiya for help, baba has strictly asked me not to. I don't know what he would do if I dare to defy him.
After sometime, I stood up with the decision already made in my head.
I stepped out of my room after washing my face and stood before my parents and said
"I'm ready for this. I'll go further with this proposal. I'm ready for this marriage."
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